THE NIGHT BEFORE

It's been awhile, I know. But as I sit here, mind racing, running through every what-if scenario I could possibly think of, this is the only place that felt right to be.

I'm pregnant again. 20 weeks. And tomorrow is my 20 week anatomy scan.

I had high hopes that this time it'd be easier. Over 3 years and a healthy baby have passed. I really thought the fear would have lessened.

But it hasn't, really.

It's been tough. I'm embarrassed to admit how tough it’s been and how much I've been struggling. And I feel really stupid talking about it because at the end of the day, we chose to try for a third. We wanted to grow our family and I was willing to go through it all again just to do so.

For the past 5 months I've immersed myself in work and the kids and the house and holidays in an attempt to ignore the reality of this baby growing inside me. I've purposely avoided advocacy work to maintain my sanity. But with the announcement of New York's Reproductive Health Act passing just days before our anatomy scan, I'm finding it impossible to keep it buried. Losing Grace and the experiences we went through just seem to resurface with every insensitive social media post I read.

So here I am. The night before, battling through yet another anxiety attack. I don't want to be dramatic but I want to keep it real. This shit is still hard.


Picture of a rainbow we saw right before we conceived.