Saturday, June 13, 2015

two steps forward, one step back.

Sometimes on Saturday mornings I let Joe watch cartoons as he eats his breakfast. He just recently became interested in TV, so he gets so excited to watch and learn while he chomps away. I got him set up in his high chair, prepared a peanut butter and banana sandwich (his favorite!) and turned on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Today's theme? Daniel Tiger is going to be a big brother.

It's been over 2 months now since I lost my baby. And while most days I can pull it together just fine without any emotional outbursts, there are moments that still just flat out hurt. This morning was one of them.

I watched Joe point at the TV and sign "baby" every time Daniel said that his Mommy is going to have a baby. He looked so proud showing off all of the new signs that he's learned in school. Daniel helped his mother prepare the baby's room and talked about his new big brother responsibilities. Joe would have been a great big brother. Who knew an innocent cartoon could cause such a visceral reaction?

I have tried to protect Joe from my heartache but it's almost impossible. Children just sense when something is wrong. I've done everything in my power not to cry in front of him because he looks at me with that "what's wrong Momma?" look on his face which just breaks my heart. But sometimes a reminder just creeps up unexpectedly and I can't help but have a moment of weakness. More mom guilt.

I sat down and we watched the episode together. I know I could have changed the channel and saved myself the heartache, but sometimes you have to face a challenge head-on.

Then the clincher... Daniel goes to the hospital to meet his new sibling for the first time. A baby sister.

I changed the channel immediately.



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