Sunday, May 14, 2017

the mother without a place

I don't belong anywhere.

I want to work. I want to be able to say I'm a working mom, the toughest job in the world. I want to have a career. I want to feel that sense of personal achievement when I get promoted or give a killer presentation. I want to be able to say that all those late nights climbing the corporate ladder weren't for nothing. I want to be Hadleigh AND mom. I want to spend time everyday working toward something that is uniquely mine. I want to use my education that my parents bent-over-backward to provide for me. I want to know that if anything happens to my husband, we will still be okay. I want to contribute to our family's finances. I want to have my own retirement plan. I want to easily pay for all of our kids' college tuitions. I want to buy things without feeling guilty for spending money. I want a break from my kids so I'm more engaged and appreciate the time I do get to spend with them. I want the time we're all home together to be family time, not time to hand off the kids to my husband. I want someone else to teach my kids the alphabet and numbers so the time we spend together can just be focused on fun. I want my kids to be independent and socialized. I want Joe and Faye to be raised by a successful and independent woman. I want Joe to view his future wife as an equal in the household. I want Faye to know that she can be valued both at home and at the work place. I want her to see first-hand that there is no glass ceiling. I want to be happy.

I want to stay home. I want to be able to say I'm a stay-at-home mom, the toughest job in the world. I want to spend every second with my kids because I know how quickly these precious moments will pass. I want to be the one to snuggle them and kiss them all day. I want to be the one to teach them the alphabet and numbers so I can watch their minds grow. I want my kids to have a deeper bond with me. I want them to feel safe and secure at home. I want them to stay out of the classroom as long as they possibly can. I want my kids to spend their summers outside, running the neighborhood and just being kids. I want to spend my summer watching them do so. I want my kids to take the bus home with their friends and not have to wait around in after-school care. I want to witness every single milestone first-hand. I want to be the one to comfort them when they get boo boos. I want my husband to feel secure that others don't just assume he doesn't make enough money. I want to nurse for a year and never have to pull out a pump. I want to be able to pick up our house. I want to start dinner before 6pm. I want to go grocery shopping before 8pm. I want to be able to cook my husband dinner more often because he deserves it. I want to not have to pay for child care. I want Joe to grow up with a mom who is present and is a more compassionate man because of it. I want Faye to know that being a mom can be fulfilling enough. I want to be happy.

I want to be a working mom, but I don't want to be away from my kids.
I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I don't want to give up my career.

I am the mother without a place.