"So do you think Joe is going to be an only child? Oooo, try for a girl. Wouldn't that be great?"
"How old is Joe now? It's about time to start trying for another, huh?"
I nod with a sharp pain in my heart and a fake smile on my face.
More steps back for me this week. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in limbo, hanging on to my last pregnancy while wanting to move on to the next one. For anyone that's gone through miscarriage, I'm sure you can relate to that heavy lost feeling. I've lost my certainty, purpose and direction just as much as I've lost a baby that I loved so much. And as the months roll by, it's like I'm losing her more and more. I should be nearing my 3rd trimester now and getting closer to my due date, but instead I'm having a daily battle with myself on whether or not I'm ready to try again. It's certainly not an easy decision, and until I feel ready enough to take that leap of faith, I just wait.
I've become a much more spiritual person than I was before, and much more aware of the signs that are all around me. I feel her with me a lot at different times throughout the day. Sometimes she sends me a reminder to stay strong, and other times she sends a sign that I'm just not ready to let go quite yet. Maybe the signs were always there before but I never stopped to appreciate them like I do now.
Pregnancies continue to be announced around me, and instead of just blocking them from my brain, I'm really trying to step back and evaluate how I'm feeling. Sadness? Jealousy? Anger? Happiness? Hope? Sometimes I feel just one emotion strongly, while other times it's all 5 at once. I won't lie, it's still difficult. I think it will be for awhile. But I can say that it is getting easier. So does that mean I'm ready to start trying again? I don't know, but I sure wish life had a handbook.
I was thinking about her while jogging and I think
she wanted me to know she was thinking of me too.