Sunday, May 14, 2017

the mother without a place

I don't belong anywhere.

I want to work. I want to be able to say I'm a working mom, the toughest job in the world. I want to have a career. I want to feel that sense of personal achievement when I get promoted or give a killer presentation. I want to be able to say that all those late nights climbing the corporate ladder weren't for nothing. I want to be Hadleigh AND mom. I want to spend time everyday working toward something that is uniquely mine. I want to use my education that my parents bent-over-backward to provide for me. I want to know that if anything happens to my husband, we will still be okay. I want to contribute to our family's finances. I want to have my own retirement plan. I want to easily pay for all of our kids' college tuitions. I want to buy things without feeling guilty for spending money. I want a break from my kids so I'm more engaged and appreciate the time I do get to spend with them. I want the time we're all home together to be family time, not time to hand off the kids to my husband. I want someone else to teach my kids the alphabet and numbers so the time we spend together can just be focused on fun. I want my kids to be independent and socialized. I want Joe and Faye to be raised by a successful and independent woman. I want Joe to view his future wife as an equal in the household. I want Faye to know that she can be valued both at home and at the work place. I want her to see first-hand that there is no glass ceiling. I want to be happy.

I want to stay home. I want to be able to say I'm a stay-at-home mom, the toughest job in the world. I want to spend every second with my kids because I know how quickly these precious moments will pass. I want to be the one to snuggle them and kiss them all day. I want to be the one to teach them the alphabet and numbers so I can watch their minds grow. I want my kids to have a deeper bond with me. I want them to feel safe and secure at home. I want them to stay out of the classroom as long as they possibly can. I want my kids to spend their summers outside, running the neighborhood and just being kids. I want to spend my summer watching them do so. I want my kids to take the bus home with their friends and not have to wait around in after-school care. I want to witness every single milestone first-hand. I want to be the one to comfort them when they get boo boos. I want my husband to feel secure that others don't just assume he doesn't make enough money. I want to nurse for a year and never have to pull out a pump. I want to be able to pick up our house. I want to start dinner before 6pm. I want to go grocery shopping before 8pm. I want to be able to cook my husband dinner more often because he deserves it. I want to not have to pay for child care. I want Joe to grow up with a mom who is present and is a more compassionate man because of it. I want Faye to know that being a mom can be fulfilling enough. I want to be happy.

I want to be a working mom, but I don't want to be away from my kids.
I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I don't want to give up my career.

I am the mother without a place.



2 comments:

  1. Hadleigh! First of all, oh my goodness Faye is so big already!!!!!! They are both so beautiful!

    Secondly, this is so beautiful! Have you heard of the blog Coffee and Crumbs? Check it out! You would be an amazing writer for them!!

    Lastly, you are a mother with a place! Wherever you are is exactly where you belong. I know you will nail whichever option you choose!

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete