Tuesday, December 12, 2017


Today I came home to a letter from a collection agency for a balance we owe on our abortion. An abortion that happened 2 years ago next month.

This isn't the first time I've gotten this notice. In fact, I've gotten the same letter about every 6 months for the past 2 years. And every time I get another notice, I have to call Northwestern billing, wait on hold, get transferred to 3 different people, only to be told that we indeed have a $0 balance on our account. And every fucking time, they apologize that the bill was sent to collections in error and they assure me that it won't happen again.

“Sorry for the inconvenience,” they say. 

I can’t really explain the pain that comes from a tri-folded piece of paper. Sometimes I wonder if someone in billing keeps sending my information to the collection agency on purpose. Is some crazy pro-lifer in a hidden cubicle somewhere just trying to torment me? Because I can not, for the life of me, understand how this “mistake” keeps happening over and over again. 

I’ve been having a hard time these past couple weeks, especially at night after the kids are asleep and life sort of just pauses in the stillness of our Christmas lights. I’m just 3 days away from our 2 year anniversary of Grace’s Down syndrome diagnosis. It’s a strange feeling to be planning Faye’s first Christmas at a time that holds such sad memories.

Sometimes the pain of it all feels so far away, and I feel guilty for embracing the joy that my new family brings. It's hard to put into words, really. It's like the more time passes, the more my heart heals and the happier I feel. But the happier I feel, the sadder I become, because I feel so disconnected from Grace and Sprout and that huge part of my life. It's an uncomfortable cycle that I'm still learning to navigate, and reminders like tonight just resurface all of those complex emotions.

After receiving my letter tonight, I reached out to a friend for comfort. She listened to me vent, then cry, then vent some more. And after my emotional rollercoaster came to a stop, she shared a thought that provided me so much comfort. She said that maybe this reminder tonight was all God’s doing. Maybe He’s trying to remind us where we’ve been and shine light on how much we have to be thankful for this Christmas. 

As I sit here typing this with my perfect little daughter half asleep on my lap, I'm holding her words close to my heart. I think I’ll rock Faye a little longer tonight.

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