Friday, May 15, 2015


I have only had 1 close friend that has gone through a miscarriage. I remember feeling so sad and so helpless, not knowing what to say or do to make her feel better. I was actually nervous to talk to her. I didn't want to say the wrong thing that may upset her even more. And at the time, I had no idea what it meant to be a mother, let alone a mother dealing with the loss of her baby.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


Being a mother is an indescribable thing. It's consuming, beautiful, rewarding, difficult, scary, fulfilling and frustrating all at once. I'm so very blessed that I've had the opportunity to experience it. It is the best gift in the world. On the day Joe was born, James looked at me and said, "a new part of my heart just started working." And I think it's the best way to describe it, because it's something you can't ever understand until you get to. I'm so grateful that I've gotten to, twice.

Friday, May 1, 2015


Every day I'm reminded that I'm not pregnant anymore. My mindless morning routine of getting ready has become my most dreaded part of the day. I wake up and weigh myself only to see the number is the same as it was yesterday. I would be over 13 weeks now. Just starting to show and just far enough along to start sharing my exciting news. Most days I skip washing my hair because it feels

Thursday, April 30, 2015


The day after we found out we lost our baby, James came home with a tiny tree in his truck. It actually looked more like a few bare sticks since there weren't any buds yet, but it was a redbud tree. That entire week, redbud trees were in full bloom everywhere in Nashville. They line the streets and bloom into bright pink flowers every spring. I've always said how much I love them so it was very special that this was the species he chose to remember our little sprout. And of course, it's the perfect color.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


I've noticed that one of the first things someone asks is "how far along were you?" As if the earlier you lose your baby, the easier. It's back to that 13 week rule. Once you are in the 2nd trimester, your baby has "made the cut" to be openly talked about. I still can't wrap my head around that concept. Carrying your baby for less amount of time doesn't make you any less of a mother. Or make your baby any less of a life.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015


These past 2 weeks have been the hardest of my life. I keep praying that the pain in my heart will lessen as the days go on, but it still hasn’t. I’ve just felt lonelier. I had another breakdown last night. The kind that just when you think you’re done, another wave begins. I pulled myself out of the bathroom and grabbed my laptop to search for hope.