Tuesday, April 28, 2015

navigating grief

I've noticed that one of the first things someone asks is "how far along were you?" As if the earlier you lose your baby, the easier. It's back to that 13 week rule. Once you are in the 2nd trimester, your baby has "made the cut" to be openly talked about. I still can't wrap my head around that concept. Carrying your baby for less amount of time doesn't make you any less of a mother. Or make your baby any less of a life.

I carried my baby for 68 days. Every second of every one of those days, I put her needs first. And I think James and I have been coping with this grief in different ways because I became her mother the second I saw that pink line on the pregnancy test. My number one priority was to keep her safe and I put so much pressure on myself to do everything right. Perfect, in fact. With Joe, James always said it didn't really sink in until I was really showing and he could feel the kicks. Even then, it really didn't fully sink in that he was a father until he held our tiny little man in his arms. I think that's been the hardest for us. We are both feeling a loss but we feel it so differently. I feel a physical and emotional emptiness in my body. Like somebody removed a vital organ. I was carrying our baby, responsible for growing her and protecting her. And it was my body that failed to do so. Something that James, no matter how hard he tries, can never understand.


This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of James. I didn't think I could love him any more...
and then I got to see him become a Dad. He amazes me everyday.

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