Thursday, January 5, 2017


I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid awake replaying the car ride to the hospital over and over in my head. I opened my computer and attempted to write but I had nothing to say. Today, one year ago, was just so fucked up. There's no other way to put it.

A friend of mine who has gone through her fair share of hardship posted this quote the other day. It felt fitting for today, on the 1 year anniversary of our loss.

"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing; hold on through the awful; and relax and exhale through the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul healing, amazing, ordinary, awful life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful." - LR Knost

I love love love this quote, so much that I saved it to my phone so I can reread it from time to time. But after reading it again this morning, I realized that Knost somehow neglected to point out a very important piece to his wisdom -- the awful is what's key to a breathtakingly beautiful life. Because without the awful, you don't fully breathe in the amazing, nor do you truly relax, exhale and appreciate the ordinary. The awful is what gives us perspective.

In 10 days I'm due with my double rainbow, and I am so looking forward to breathing in every bit of her amazingness. I imagine it will be the deepest breath I will ever take.

Just hold on through the awful, friends.