I was attempting to organize my millions of photos during my lunch hour on Friday and came across an untitled folder on my desktop. I opened it up and there they were...the maternity photos we took when I was pregnant with Grace. It was right there among my folders titled Faye's Maternity Pictures, Faye's Newborn Pictures and Joe's First Birthday.
She deserves more than that. She means more to me than that. I renamed the folder "Grace's Maternity Pictures," moved it over to my external hard drive and just sat there with a pit in my stomach. And then it me. June 4th. She should be turning one.
It's not like I completely forgot about her due date, but I haven't exactly been sitting around anticipating it like I did last year. I remember having the realization back in May that the day was approaching, but I sort of just shoved it in the back of mind. And honestly, I've been busy. I've been adjusting to being a full-time working mom of two. Faye still isn't sleeping through the night, and I've been working hard trying to meal plan lunches and dinners for the week. I don't know, I've just been...preoccupied. But that's not an excuse. Actually, the fact that I feel like I have to somehow justify it breaks my heart.
It's my responsibility to keep Grace's spirit alive. If I'm not thinking about her, nobody is. And today I just feel sad. Really really sad. Sad that no one else is thinking about her on what would have been her 1st birthday. Sad that I don't get to post pictures of her and her smash cake. Sad that June 4th crept up on me without me realizing it. Sad that my photos of her will never go beyond my 1 folder now titled "Grace's Maternity Pictures."
I felt like I needed to do something to feel her close to me again, so I desperately started looking for other photos to add to her album. I added random quotes about grief that I have saved to my desktop, the picture of her footprints I had taken after we lost her and pictures of Joe touching my belly. I even dug and found the random pictures of rainbows I've taken over the past couple of years. I know it probably sounds silly, but it gave me some peace. Grace has a folder of memories now, too.
I don't think I will ever stop thinking about her, but I guess it's inevitable that as time passes, I will think of her less often. Some days though, like today, still hit me like a ton of bricks no matter how many days have passed.
I know that I have enough love in my heart for all of my babies, here and in heaven. I know that. And I know that thinking about Grace less often doesn't mean I love her any less. But today, on what should be her 1st birthday, I wish so badly that she were here so I could give all my love to only her.
Happy birthday, sweet girl.