PARENTING THROUGH PREGNANCY LOSS

It's hard to be a parent when you feel broken. It's hard to live for someone else when sometimes you can barely live for yourself. Parenting through grief is just plain hard. You want to be in the moment for your child, but sometimes it's practically impossible to juggle it all.

GAINING FAITH. LOSING RELIGION.

When you're raised by two teachers who are also athletic coaches, you learn at an early age that hard work = success. It's a common sense equation. Whenever I wanted something, I just worked harder to get it.

PREGNANCY INNOCENCE

A friend of mine just announced her pregnancy. It's her first baby. She's pretty early on, but she couldn't keep it a secret any longer--she was bursting at the seams to share her exciting news. I watched her entire face light up as she shared how she found out, her symptoms of morning sickness, weird cravings and their first ultra sound experience.

BEAR CREEK RETREAT

My sister and I spent last weekend at a yoga & meditation retreat in the middle-of-nowhere Hohenwald, Tennessee. There were no TVs, no phones, no computers, no clocks and no communication to the outside world allowed. I brought a book (which I barely opened) and a journal to document my experience.

ONE YEAR

Today marks one year since our pregnancy loss journey began. Today, I should have a 5 month old baby in my arms.

LIFE LESSONS FROM AN EAGLE

For weeks, I've been watching an eagle's nest on a live feed in Hanover, PA. If you've never watched any of these live cams, I would highly recommend it. There are different cameras for various nests, and it's all very Truman Show-esque with a 24 hour live feed and infrared cameras at night. My mom sent us the link to the Hanover nest about a month ago knowing James is into bird watching. (Yes, you read that correctly)

A REAL MAN

I received a very nice note from a woman who came across my story. At the end of her note, she wrote, "And kudos to your sweetie. Real men stand up with their women."

A NEW TITLE: ACTIVIST

I received a very beautiful letter from my Mom today, who is not only a raging liberal (which I say with love), but also a women's rights activist of her own time. In it she wrote, "Your titles are expanding...daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, wife, daughter-in-law, mother and now a new title, ACTIVIST."

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason.

SHARING MY STORY: IS IT WORTH IT?

I'm starting to think I've completely lost my mind. Is any of this worth it? I think people forget that I said goodbye to my daughter only 8 short weeks ago. Which for me, feels more like 8 minutes ago.

ABORTION RIGHTS: WHO CHOOSES?

I have received an outpour of support for my letter to pro-life activists, so I first want to thank you all for reading and sharing my story. It's been extremely difficult reliving the loss of my daughter, but I firmly believe there needs to be a change. And for that reason, I will press on.

AN OPEN LETTER TO PRO-LIFE ACTIVISTS

Dear Pro-lifer,

I've quietly stood by listening to your opinions. I feel every painful assumption you make about me. You draw a line between right and wrong without hesitation, as if you know exactly what it feels like to be faced with a life-changing decision. The problem is, the picture you paint doesn't look anything like me.

YOU ARE A WARRIOR

Remind yourself to just keep breathing. 

Lay in bed and count your breaths.
-- in 3, out 3, in 3, out 3 --

Clear your mind. Focus on the positive. 

BE STRONG & COURAGEOUS

On January 5th 2016, James and I sat in a cold hospital room with both hands on my belly and said goodbye to our daughter, Grace. It was the most painful moment of my entire life. Sometimes it all feels like a horrible dream and I will wake up to find my belly full again. 

1 IN 900

I used to find comfort in numbers. That is, until I was "the 1." 

There are new DNA tests called non-invasive prenatal tests (NIPT) that can detect chromosome abnormalities through a simple blood test from the mother. They have been around for a few years but were mostly used for high-risk women over 35. Now, doctors seem to be offering them up to everyone. The benefit? Finding out your baby's gender as early as 12 weeks. 

11.11

Our baby's remembrance tree has turned a vibrant yellow and has officially started losing it's leaves this week. And as each one falls to the ground, I think my heart breaks a little more.

11.11.

My baby's due date.

6 MONTHS, BUT WHO'S COUNTING

I asked James yesterday, "Can you believe it's been 6 months already?" His answer reflected my exact thoughts. "No! Well, yeah. Actually, no..."

WHEN DO WE TRY AGAIN?

"So do you think Joe is going to be an only child? Oooo, try for a girl. Wouldn't that be great?"

"How old is Joe now? It's about time to start trying for another, huh?"

TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK

Sometimes on Saturday mornings I let Joe watch cartoons as he eats his breakfast. He just recently became interested in TV, so he gets so excited to watch and learn while he chomps away. I got him set up in his high chair, prepared a peanut butter and banana sandwich (his favorite!) and turned on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Today's theme? Daniel Tiger is going to be a big brother.

MOTHER'S DAY RECAP

James knew Mother's Day was going to be difficult for me this year. And honestly, I was worried I was going to spend the entire day sad and crying. But my day was anything but sad. In true James fashion, he planned the most thoughtful and out-of-the-park day I could have ever imagined.