TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Last Friday marked the 2 year anniversary of my 2nd trimester abortion -- the day we said goodbye to our daughter, Grace. The day started with tears and ended with a family dance party. It was perfect.

SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

Today I came home to a letter from a collection agency for a balance we owe on our abortion. An abortion that happened 2 years ago next month.

THIS IS US -- FROM A PREGNANCY LOSS SURVIVOR

The show This Is Us has become my weekly therapy session. I usually get cozy in bed with my big box of Kleenex, ready for whatever they're going to throw at me next. And for whatever reason, it always feels so good to cry alongside the characters. From the very first episode with the doctor's monologue about life handing us sour lemons, to Kate's body image issues and her strained mother-daughter relationship, this show is so emotional for me because it hits on so many relatable aspects of my life. And tonight, well, it hit the hardest.

POST PARTUM BODY

My body has been through a whole hell of lot these past few years. I've had weeks where I've gained 10 and others where I've lost 10. 4 pregnancies in 3 years with lots of emotional highs and lows will do that to you. Sometimes I'd have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude, and I'd fill the void with ice cream and wine. Other times I was so depressed I could barely keep a bite of food down. Pregnancy loss does a number on your self esteem, especially when it comes to your body image.

UNTITLED 66 PHOTOS

I was attempting to organize my millions of photos during my lunch hour on Friday and came across an untitled folder on my desktop. I opened it up and there they were...the maternity photos we took when I was pregnant with Grace. It was right there among my folders titled Faye's Maternity Pictures, Faye's Newborn Pictures and Joe's First Birthday.

FINDING HAPPINESS AGAIN

A few of my friends that have experienced pregnancy/infant loss have recently asked me what it's really like having a rainbow baby. Does she fill the void? Am I happy? Have I had any postpartum depression?

PERSONAL REDEMPTION

Earlier this week I took Faye to her 2 week appointment. One of the first things checked during these appointments is the baby's weight, and if I remember correctly, the goal for the 2 week appointment is for your baby to be back up to birth weight. Faye was born 8lbs 11oz, and when we left the hospital 2 days later, she was down to 8lbs 3oz. I remember being panicked with Joe when he dropped in weight, but as a 2nd time mom, I expected it this go around.

FAYE: HAVE FAITH, TRUST & BELIEVE

On January 23rd, my husband and I welcomed Faye Elizabeth into the world. She weighed 8 lbs 11 oz, measured 19 inches long and has a head full of black hair (which is shocking, because her blonde older brother was bald until he was almost 2 years old!) But more importantly, so far our sweet little girl is healthy. That still feels surreal to say.

GRACE'S 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid awake replaying the car ride to the hospital over and over in my head. I opened my computer and attempted to write but I had nothing to say. Today, one year ago, was just so fucked up. There's no other way to put it.

GRIEF

A few days ago we had a new member join our Ending a Wanted Pregnancy support group. She was one day post-surgery and asked the group, "I haven't cried yet. Is something wrong with me?" Her question hit so close to home.

RAINBOW PREGNANCY MATERNITY PICTURES

A few months ago Jessi, my friend and photographer, reached out to tell me she was going to shoot our maternity pictures - no ifs ands or buts about it. She said we deserved them and understood it would take time, but to let her know whenever I was ready.

IT'S TIME

James and I had our 3rd trimester ultra sound early last week. At this point, I thought I had passed enough hurdles, felt enough hourly kicks, and was far enough along in this pregnancy to go into this ultra sound a little more relaxed and confident. But of course, that wasn't the case.

IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE

About 3 weeks ago, I woke up and was barely able to walk. I had been experiencing some pelvic pain for about a week prior to that, but tried to brush it off as ordinary pregnancy aches and pains. Well, that particular morning was excruciating -- I couldn't take a step without tears rolling down my face. I called in sick at work and immediately called my doctor. After describing my symptoms over the phone (painful bone grinding/clicking when I walk, inability to get in and out of my car and a severe tearing pain between my legs) she immediately referred me to a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic pain.

SUB PREGNANCY: FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

After 2 losses, I've accepted the fact that I will never be a normal pregnant person again. I will never be naive and feel protected, I will never get my pregnancy innocence back and I will always carry my two angels in my heart.

KINDRED SPIRITS

I saw a little girl with her mom at the grocery store the other day. She was wearing a cute little flowered dress and had short blonde hair with a bow in it. She seemed content playing with a box of uncooked pasta, listening to the noodles shake inside.

MOURNING & DANCING

I recently did a 2 week bible study with one of my friends called "Mourning & Dancing" and the underlying message resonated with me deeply --

We can both grieve the wrongs of this world and celebrate the sweetness of this life.

THE TRUTH ABOUT 2ND TRIMESTER ABORTIONS

There are a lot of misconceptions that I hear about abortion that aren't based on fact. At this point in my journey, I feel a sense of responsibility to set the record straight. I want to share some personal details about my own 2nd trimester abortion to help shed light on what really happens, even if it's difficult to talk about. I guess you could say I'm tired of listening to arguments based off of inaccurate information.

REFLECTING ON MY ABORTION: SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA

A few months ago I set out on a quest to find a new doctor. I wanted someone who was thorough, kind and compassionate. But more importantly, I wanted someone who, without a doubt, supports a woman's right to choose.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRACE

This week has been really hard. The days have dragged on with heaviness, each a little more emotional than the next. I've begged time to stop so I wouldn't have to face this day without you. 

Your due date. 

PARENTING THROUGH PREGNANCY LOSS

It's hard to be a parent when you feel broken. It's hard to live for someone else when sometimes you can barely live for yourself. Parenting through grief is just plain hard. You want to be in the moment for your child, but sometimes it's practically impossible to juggle it all.