THIS IS US -- FROM A PREGNANCY LOSS SURVIVOR

The show This Is Us has become my weekly therapy session. I usually get cozy in bed with my big box of Kleenex, ready for whatever they're going to throw at me next. And for whatever reason, it always feels so good to cry alongside the characters. From the very first episode with the doctor's monologue about life handing us sour lemons, to Kate's body image issues and her strained mother-daughter relationship, this show is so emotional for me because it hits on so many relatable aspects of my life. And tonight, well, it hit the hardest.

IT'S TIME

James and I had our 3rd trimester ultra sound early last week. At this point, I thought I had passed enough hurdles, felt enough hourly kicks, and was far enough along in this pregnancy to go into this ultra sound a little more relaxed and confident. But of course, that wasn't the case.

SUB PREGNANCY: FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

After 2 losses, I've accepted the fact that I will never be a normal pregnant person again. I will never be naive and feel protected, I will never get my pregnancy innocence back and I will always carry my two angels in my heart.

MOURNING & DANCING

I recently did a 2 week bible study with one of my friends called "Mourning & Dancing" and the underlying message resonated with me deeply --

We can both grieve the wrongs of this world and celebrate the sweetness of this life.

PARENTING THROUGH PREGNANCY LOSS

It's hard to be a parent when you feel broken. It's hard to live for someone else when sometimes you can barely live for yourself. Parenting through grief is just plain hard. You want to be in the moment for your child, but sometimes it's practically impossible to juggle it all.

PREGNANCY INNOCENCE

A friend of mine just announced her pregnancy. It's her first baby. She's pretty early on, but she couldn't keep it a secret any longer--she was bursting at the seams to share her exciting news. I watched her entire face light up as she shared how she found out, her symptoms of morning sickness, weird cravings and their first ultra sound experience.

ONE YEAR

Today marks one year since our pregnancy loss journey began. Today, I should have a 5 month old baby in my arms.

LIFE LESSONS FROM AN EAGLE

For weeks, I've been watching an eagle's nest on a live feed in Hanover, PA. If you've never watched any of these live cams, I would highly recommend it. There are different cameras for various nests, and it's all very Truman Show-esque with a 24 hour live feed and infrared cameras at night. My mom sent us the link to the Hanover nest about a month ago knowing James is into bird watching. (Yes, you read that correctly)

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN FOR A REASON

Everything happens for a reason.

YOU ARE A WARRIOR

Remind yourself to just keep breathing. 

Lay in bed and count your breaths.
-- in 3, out 3, in 3, out 3 --

Clear your mind. Focus on the positive. 

PREGNANCY AFTER MISCARRIAGE

On January 5th, 2016, we said goodbye to another baby -- our 3rd child. It's been a complete nightmare these past few weeks.

I wrote this blog post on December 14th, 2015, the night before my world was turned completely upside down. I was waiting for my NIPT results (non-invasive prenatal test) to reveal the gender so I could include it in the blog post and share it with my personal Facebook announcement. I was not anticipating the results to be the beginning of the end of our daughter's precious life.

11.11

Our baby's remembrance tree has turned a vibrant yellow and has officially started losing it's leaves this week. And as each one falls to the ground, I think my heart breaks a little more.

11.11.

My baby's due date.

6 MONTHS, BUT WHO'S COUNTING

I asked James yesterday, "Can you believe it's been 6 months already?" His answer reflected my exact thoughts. "No! Well, yeah. Actually, no..."

WHEN DO WE TRY AGAIN?

"So do you think Joe is going to be an only child? Oooo, try for a girl. Wouldn't that be great?"

"How old is Joe now? It's about time to start trying for another, huh?"

TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK

Sometimes on Saturday mornings I let Joe watch cartoons as he eats his breakfast. He just recently became interested in TV, so he gets so excited to watch and learn while he chomps away. I got him set up in his high chair, prepared a peanut butter and banana sandwich (his favorite!) and turned on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Today's theme? Daniel Tiger is going to be a big brother.

HOW TO SUPPORT A FRIEND THROUGH MISCARRIAGE

I have only had 1 close friend that has gone through a miscarriage. I remember feeling so sad and so helpless, not knowing what to say or do to make her feel better. I was actually nervous to talk to her. I didn't want to say the wrong thing that may upset her even more. And at the time, I had no idea what it meant to be a mother, let alone a mother dealing with the loss of her baby.

TO THE STRONGEST MOTHER

Being a mother is an indescribable thing. It's consuming, beautiful, rewarding, difficult, scary, fulfilling and frustrating all at once. I'm so very blessed that I've had the opportunity to experience it. It is the best gift in the world. On the day Joe was born, James looked at me and said, "a new part of my heart just started working." And I think it's the best way to describe it, because it's something you can't ever understand until you get to. I'm so grateful that I've gotten to, twice.

MOM-GUILT

Every day I'm reminded that I'm not pregnant anymore. My mindless morning routine of getting ready has become my most dreaded part of the day. I wake up and weigh myself only to see the number is the same as it was yesterday. I would be over 13 weeks now. Just starting to show and just far enough along to start sharing my exciting news. Most days I skip washing my hair because it feels

REMEMBRANCE TREE

The day after we found out we lost our baby, James came home with a tiny tree in his truck. It actually looked more like a few bare sticks since there weren't any buds yet, but it was a redbud tree. That entire week, redbud trees were in full bloom everywhere in Nashville. They line the streets and bloom into bright pink flowers every spring. I've always said how much I love them so it was very special that this was the species he chose to remember our little sprout. And of course, it's the perfect color.

NAVIGATING GRIEF

I've noticed that one of the first things someone asks is "how far along were you?" As if the earlier you lose your baby, the easier. It's back to that 13 week rule. Once you are in the 2nd trimester, your baby has "made the cut" to be openly talked about. I still can't wrap my head around that concept. Carrying your baby for less amount of time doesn't make you any less of a mother. Or make your baby any less of a life.